Color my life with the chaos of trouble.

things im looking forward to: perhaps if i write out the things im looking forward to they will become more real, and ill start actually getting excited for something.

small groups. pco/pcn(battle of the expressway) game. my birthday. LDI. halloween. OU football season. trees falling from the leaves. the cool fall air mixed with the summer sun. fall retreat. getting out homecoming shirts. hall dec. christmas time.  christmas break. i cant focus.

i dont know whats going on. what is this, who is this. what has it become. it hurts. it used to be so easy.

im allowed way too much time to think throughout the day. you have no idea what goes on in my head. you dont ask.

She’s as pretty as a picture, every bit as funny as she is smart. Got a smile that’ll hold you together, and a touch that’ll tear you apart. When she’s yours she brings the sunshine, when she’s gone the world goes dark. Yeah, she’s heaven on the eyes, but boy she’s hell on the heart. Yeah, she’s good when she’s bad, she’s cute when she’s mad. And she does all the wrong things right. Yeah, boy it’s a fact when they’re made like that, you ain’t ever gonna sleep at night.

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation    
Love Language #2: Quality Time 
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts   
Love Language #4: Acts of Service  
Love Language #5: Physical Touch  

Each one of these should be represented in any relationship.

when it comes to our blind spots, maybe our brains arent compensating, but merely protecting us.

I live in two worlds. One of which I have no desire to be in. Why is it so difficult for humans to commit. Why the hell are we falling apart. 11 years means nothing. I’m going to end up alone. One of my biggest fears. It will be me and God. Against the world. Don’t leave me. I’ve already been left.

the first kiss. being nervous for freshmen year. walking up to their front door, anticipating, anxious, butterflies takeover. that song that you cant stop listening to when you hear it for the first time. his voice. that glimpse that you catch. cool rain hitting your skin. the best smoothie youve ever had. watching him leave. waiting for his return. like we did when we were kids. the sweetest succulent strawberry. ignorance. jumping into a pool. the way his skin feels against yours. pressed up close. laying in the back of a car with the only person you want to be with. laughter. dancing with a group of friends. sand under your feet. those pretty pretty eyes of yours. his laughter. feeling like a million bucks. knowing its you. not having to wonder. wandering aimlessly. twinkling stars. the first firework that goes off and lights up the sky. when you come up from behind me and hold me around the waist. the way my hair curls naturally from chlorine&ocean water, but not from the shower. red nails. praising. volunteering. touching a childs life. regret. sleep. those things we take for granted. the pictures from prom that i absolutely love, the ones where im on your back. not whales. hating school. loving summer. hating it again. waiting for summer.

You still give me buttrrflies.

i dont know if that made it easier or harder to say goodbye tonight.

tears stream down your face, i promise you i will learn from my mistakes.

im sorry that i may be one of the most difficult people to put up with. you know that i care about you more than a thousand splendid suns. i dont ever mean to make you feel bad, so if i do please please forgive me. that is never my intention. all i know is that i cant stand the way i acted. im not sure what overcame me. i just miss you, thats all.